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August 17th, 2006

exploring

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Nothing exciting to write tonight. I moved my computer into the other bedroom so there's more space. It's really nice being in the apartment by myself.... well, in some ways. Other times it's really lonely.

The more I read about what a good/great Dominant is like, and what submission really is, the more I think that is exactly what I need. It would be quite a challenge for me to willingly submit as I have trust issues, but isn't that the whole point? Learning to trust? That would be a wonderful benefit to my life!

August 4th, 2006

She sits alone in the darkness. Sleep has never before eluded her to this extent, never led her through such torturous mazes of self-doubt and despair without even the slightest glimmer of light to give hope that there could someday be a way out.

There are no tears because she has none left to give. The drops of salty water, full of every dream she once had but can no longer sustain, were flowing earlier like a baptismal font that washes away hope instead of sin. Her tear ducts have dried up now, just like the rest of her body that feels shriveled and dehydrated and almost nonexistent.

It doesn't matter.


August 3rd, 2006

(no subject)

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Disability check is in, woo hoo! Now I get to watch my bank account drained by bills as usual so that within a week's time I will have next to nothing left. Happy happy joy joy. Riiiiiight.

My mom asked me the other day if I still needed her to come over twice a week to visit. My reply was:
"No, it's OK."

What I wanted to say was:
"First off, there have been very few times you actually came on both Wednesday and Saturday.
"Second, I don't need you to come twice a week and I never did. I am just fine without you here. I can take care of myself. In fact, often I would rather do something else on Wednesday or Saturday. So there."

Not exactly the most mature statements, eh? That's why I didn't say them to her. But I still felt them.

I would really like to live somewhere else.

July 31st, 2006

Life

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It sucks. 'nough said.

May 25th, 2006

???

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Not feeling really well right now. Yesterday I developed a bit of sore throat. Earlier I began to feel unusually cold. Now I can't seem to wake up from my 2-hour nap. I wonder if I am coming down with something. It would only be fair since most everyone else has been sick!

May 14th, 2006

addendum

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Immediately after writing my last entry, I did some anger work and crying. Then -- believe it or not! -- I actually called my sponsor! I partly did it because my skills trainer told me to, but also because I was in a bad place and I knew it would help me to talk to her.

I was right. It helped enormously, and the effect was swift. She encouraged me to forgive "them" and to forgive myself. We talked about that for a bit and then moved on to other things as I began to feel better.

Sometimes I forget about the option of forgiveness.

Oh, and the person involved sent me a message -- which I deleted asap. I'm actually proud of me now, because I didn't let the slip go any farther. Thank you God/dess!

It never ends

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I had a bit of a crisis today before going to Mother's Day lunch.

I won't give details on what started it, but I became extremely frustrated about being an addict, felt hopeless, cried, begged God/dess to help me, and repeated the Serenity Prayer in order to break the obsessive thinking I was experiencing.

I have a tendency to want to blame other people for this, but it was my own fault. I made the choices that led to the crisis of faith. In fact, I've been making choices for weeks now that are leading me down, down, down.

I don't want to do this anymore. Not just being an addict. I mean I don't want to do THIS anymore -- I don't want to struggle. I don't want to keep on repeating mistakes and reaping the consequences. I don't want to cause myself and others so much hurt and pain. I don't want to disappoint people.

I don't want any more therapy or meetings or working the steps or taking things one day at a time.

God/dess, I'm VERY ANGRY that this is so FUCKING HARD!!!!

May 12th, 2006

Holding patterns...

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Have you ever watched private planes doing touch-and-go practice at a small airport? I don't know if this is still done, but back when my dad worked as a flight service briefer at a small airport (a job now done entirely by computers!) touch-and-go was fairly common. Sometimes I went to work with my dad; I would sit and watch the planes for hours as their wheels lightly touched the runway and then lifted off again. There was something calming about this repetitive scene. It could have been boring, but instead as I watched it over and over again I became aware of subtle nuances. This plane stayed on the runway just a bit longer than the others; another one landed on just one wheel sometimes. Each one was slightly different, and it was a great pleasure to discover those hidden qualities.

Of course, being in a holding pattern is not the same as touch-and-go practice. It usually refers to the plane making large circles around the airport, waiting for a turn on a busy runway or for the weather to clear enough for a safe landing. I think, though, that the effects of the repetition are the same. If the passengers are willing, they will find that each circle is a little bit different from all the others.

Why do I even bring this up? Two reasons: one, I believe I am alternating between holding patterns and touch-and-go right now, and two, the repetition and reduced stimulation are good for me. They allow me to slow down and see deeper, subtler levels of myself and everything around me. I can live exclusively in the moment -- of course I always try to live with awareness of the moment, but practicality requires thinking about the past (to learn from it) and the future (to plan wisely). When in a holding pattern I don't have to think about the past or the future, I only have to BE.

Tonight I went to my son's Senior Awards Ceremony, at which he received 5 awards. It was interminably long, and as I sat in the auditorium the waiting became unbearable. I had to get up and stand out in the hall. There, I could keep tabs on what was going on so I could watch him get his awards, but I wasn't smothered by the impatient anticipation all around me, so strong that it was palpable. Once detached from the psychic force of all those people, I could relax and live in the moment. I went into touch-and-go mode and the rest of the evening went successfully.

May 10th, 2006

Traces of Jade

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My God and My Goddess
May I always leave behind
Traces of jade, wherever I go
Pure and solid and earthy
A touch of beauty
Dropped from every moment
Of my life.
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